When I Look At You
by Halsteadpd
Summary: Linstead one shot.


**A/N: So this takes place during 3x01 but for the purpose of this one-shot, Jay DOESN'T get kidnapped/beat. Happy reading :)**

 **(Using the song When I Look At You by Miley Cyrus)**

* * *

He waited hours outside the club for her to come out. Ever since she fell off the rails, he had her phone pinged. When it slowed down during the day, he would bring up the tab where he was tracking her movements—it was the only way he knew that she was still alive.

Her mother was never any help. He had gone down to her bar a few times asking if she knew where Erin was, but she would always shoo him away and tell him that she only needed to be around family. Sometimes at the end of the work day, he would go up to the third floor of her apartment building hoping to see her, but he always left disappointed when the door never opened.

The sun had began to set and the blue sky soon turned orange, inevitably going black. The air was still warm and comfortable and when he looked up, he could pinpoint the stars on Orion's belt. He watched many intoxicated people make their way out of the bar and into the backseat of cabs or into the vehicle of their designated driver—glad to see none of them went behind the wheel themselves because he wasn't sure if he could risk arresting them and miss a chance at seeing her.

His eyes burned from the lack of sleep and his bed was calling his name but this was the closest he had been to her in months and he would risk dry, bloodshot eyes and a headache the next day if it meant getting to hear her voice again. He retreated back to the car once—knowing he would have to move it in order for her to get hers out. The wind had begun to whip and he stupidly forgot to bring a sweater. Once inside, he pulled out his phone and dialled her number. It rang a couple of times before he was sent to voicemail and with a sigh, he hung up and plugged his phone in to charge.

Resting his head against the seat, he found himself nodding off but once again forced himself out of the car in fear of somehow missing her. He debated many times of going into that club and carrying her out—kicking and screaming—but decided against it because if he did that, she would definitely never speak to him again.

The next time he looked at his watch, it was nearing 4:30 and he was debating leaving because he had work in a few hours. But she couldn't stay in there forever. Could she? He could hear the streets around him getting noisier as the City of Chicago woke up to start the day. Sirens could be heard in the distance and he found himself muttering a prayer under his breath like he usually did when he heard those familiar wails.

Finally—when the sun had risen—she stumbled out of the club. She was surrounded by a group of people he had never seen before. She didn't notice him until she slipped her sunglasses over her eyes and turned to face her car.

"Let me guess, you had Mouse ping my phone?" She still had the sass and confidence in her tone of voice that he grew to love, but this wasn't the time for him to fall for her again.

"You know Voight put you on three weeks furlough right? In case you change your mind. That ends tomorrow." He thought he was going to get through to her when she grabbed him by his arm and pushed him out of earshot of the group behind them. The feeling of her cool hands on his skin felt good—it felt real. That she was here, she was in his presence, and he could bring her back.

"What do you want, Jay?"

"I want to hear you say it."

"Say what?"

"That you're no longer my partner. That you're throwing it all away. Look me in the eye and tell me it's over."

"Are you done talking?"

"I don't know who you are, but tell Lindsay she made me a better cop. If you ever see her again." And just like that, the conversation he wanted to have that would bring her back, did the exact opposite.

* * *

The feeling of his skin on her fingertips sent electricity through her body. She couldn't remember the last time she touched him, let alone _saw_ him but the way his muscles filled out his shirt and how his beard was growing in made him look as handsome as ever. He wants her to come back, but she can't. She's disappointed the only family she's ever known, ever _had._ There's no going back.

It was easier to give him attitude through her sunglasses, when he couldn't see how red or teary her eyes were and when he pulled them off her face, she could feel her facade dissolving. The pained look in his eyes made her want to drown herself in alcohol all over again. He was the one good thing in her life and she even managed to somehow fuck that up too. She couldn't keep hurting him.

When he turned away from her, it took everything within herself to not call out to him, to not fall against him seeking his warmth and comfort. So she watched him walk away and she had a feeling in the pit of her stomach that this was his last attempt at getting her back.

When she got home, she immediately collapsed into bed and pulled the covers up and over her body. Her head was pounding and she would do anything to cop a few percocets or some oxy to take the edge off. Somehow, she had managed to fall into a restless sleep, waking up every twenty minutes drenched in sweat. Deciding her body was going through withdrawal, she went out to her living room in search of something—anything that her mother had left behind. But Erin knew her mother, and there was no chance that anything would be left behind by that woman.

Searching through her medicine cabinet, she found some Tylenol. She knew it wouldn't do anything but she took three pills and swallowed them down quickly without water. As she waited for the high to take over her body, her brain replayed her earlier conversation with him. His voice lacked the confidence and ego it usually carried, instead, it was borderline broken. His eyes looked more green today, no doubt due to the army green shirt he wore. They concealed pain, pain she caused. The thought made her nauseous and soon she was emptying her gut into the kitchen sink. She dry heaved for a few minutes before making her way back to bed, falling asleep once again.

When she woke up again, it was dark and a quick look at the time on her phone told her it was half past nine. She made her way into the ensuite and she stood under the steady stream of hot water in her shower, letting it burn her skin and heal her tired, achy muscles.

After stepping out of the shower, she quickly threw on an outfit and made her way out to the living room. Her mother was reclined against the couch, a cigarette in one hand and a glass of alcohol in the other. Her eyes were closed—almost as if she was dead—but the second she heard someone approach, her eyes popped open.

"Hey baby! You were sleeping when I got here but I called all your friends and thought we could have a party!" Erin looked at her mother with a hard, stoic expression on her face. "Baby, what's wrong? Here, have some of this. I took 40 bucks out of your purse because they guy tried to rip me off." Bunny placed two white pills in Erin's hand forcefully. All Erin could do was scoff before turning back towards her bedroom. She sat down on her bed forcefully, inspecting the pills in her hand. Her body craved it, whatever it was. It was her lifeline.

She placed the pills on her nightstand before making her way back out towards the group of people, hoping to take the edge off with alcohol instead.

 _'Cause there is no guarantee_

 _That this life is easy_

She was drunk.

Drunk beyond measure.

Everyone around her were laughing and having a good time but no matter how much alcohol she threw down her throat, her mind was still dark. But the overbearing thoughts in her mind were anything but dark. Her thoughts revolved around the greatest light she had ever had.

She needed to get those thoughts out of her mind. He was done with her. There was no going back to him.

So she took a shot.

 _Yeah when my world is falling apart_

 _When there's no light_

 _To break up the dark_

 _That's when I, I_

 _I look at you_

She can vividly remember the light in his eyes and his lopsided grin as her told her about his grandfather's cabin in Wisconsin. That felt like a lifetime ago yet the memory made it feel like it was just yesterday. His eyes were more blue that day, similar to the blue shirt he wore. There was just something extremely appealing of growing old with him, having his kids and retiring to a house in the country where it's quiet. It's a life she sees herself living.

But then again, she fucked up.

He's done with her.

So she took another shot.

 _When the waves are flooding the shore_

 _And I can't find my way home anymore_

 _That's when I, I_

 _I look at you_

She was barely steady on her feet. The floor was floating and looking down the stairs made her head spin. She turned around slowly and instead went towards the elevator. She waited—leaning against the wall for support—as the elevator made it to her floor. She clicked the M button a few times before the door was closing in front of her.

As the elevator began to move down, she lost her balance and collapsed against the railing. The feeling inside the car made her nauseous and she was running out towards the front door the second the doors opened again.

It was pouring rain and there were puddles on the sidewalk and the street. She rested her right hand on the brick wall of her building and bent over, expelling her body of the poison. When she was sure she was done, she straightened her back and looked up into the night sky. The dark clouds covered the stars but the light from the full moon was still shining through slightly.

There were no cars on the street driving by and when she patted at her pockets, she realized that she had left her phone upstairs. Sighing, she forced her feet to move, one foot in front of the other. This was the punishment she deserved. She couldn't drive, she couldn't hail or call a cab. So she walked.

Her teeth chattered and her hair and clothing were dripping wet. She was sure she was going to have a cold in the morning, but she deserved it. That's what happens when you fuck your life up.

She was drunk.

But she had never felt so sober.

Her body took her to the one of the places she had seeked refuge before. There was just something about the awful yellow walls and the red motorcycle picture that made her feel sheltered—that made her feel safe.

The second she stepped into the lobby of the apartment building, her body was overwhelmed with warmth. It was a stark contrast to the cold atmosphere outside and she debated about whether or not he would even want to see her. Maybe she should just turn around or head over to the bar down the street.

But for some reason her body wouldn't listen to her mind.

She took the stairs this time, not trusting herself to stay upright in the elevator. Slowly, she made her way to his doorstep but she didn't knock. She stood and stared at the door. This was her last chance to turn back. To avoid the disappointment for when he was going to slam the door in her face.

But she needed to apologize.

She needed to say sorry for not having his back. She needed to say sorry for putting him through so much pain the last few months. She needed to apologize for not being the partner that he needs.

She needed to apologize for it all.

So she clenched her right hand into a fist and brought it up to his door. Hesitantly, she knocked three times, as hard as she could. Her teeth had began to chatter again and she wasn't sure if she'd be able to form a coherent sentence when she was face to face with him.

She could hear the sound of him moving on his leather couch before he made his way to the door. For a second there was no noise, and she assumed he was looking through the peephole. Her eyes averted towards the ground when she thinks he's not opening the door and tears began to pool in her eyes. Much to her surprise, she hears the creak of hinges and his bare feet are in her line of vision.

"Erin? What's wrong? Are you okay?" She doesn't have to look up to know his eyes are laced with concern. "Erin?" He reached out a hand to caress her arm and when he made contact, she fell into his embrace. "You're freezing. Did you walk here?" She didn't answer his question but kept sobbing into his chest. She could feel him pull her over the threshold of his apartment and he softly clicked the door shut behind them. "Let's get you in the shower. Hm?"

He led her towards his bathroom and turned the water on, letting it warm up. As he waited, he turned around to face her and started to undress her, taking note of how much she was shivering. He placed his hand on the small of her back, leading her into the shower. Moving away from the stream of water, he grabbed the shower door and went to close it, only for her to grab his wrist.

"Stay." The vulnerable look in her eyes tugged at his heartstrings and before he knew what he was doing, he walked into the shower, still fully clad in his clothes. She collapsed into his arms again and let the water spray at her back.

Jay looked down at the broken girl against him and smiled sadly. He couldn't care less about his clothing getting drenched. She had finally come to him. She wanted to get better. She wanted his help. And as if on cue, she moved her face away from his chest and stared into his eyes as the water pounded down on them.

"Thank you."

 _When I look at you_

 _I see forgiveness_

 _I see the truth_

 _You love me for who I am_

 _Like the stars hold the moon_

 _Right there where they belong_

 _And I know I'm not alone_

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 **Leave me a review please :)**

 **(This is a one shot so please don't review by telling me to "update soon." Much appreciated.)**


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